Monday, November 17, 2008


When standing before a large crowd to read:

1. Imagine everyone is naked, and every single body in front of you is hideous.
2. Pretend you are Meryl Streep accepting the Oscar, and the audience is full of seat-fillers.
3. Tell yourself that the bodies in the folding chairs belong to five year olds who are on heavy doses of Benedryl
4. Annunciate.
5. Look at out occasionally at these fat-bellied, naked, drugged five-year-olds.
6. Just never look them in the eye.
7. Speak to them like you are Princess Di waving to all of London - look sincere, but don't pause to make eye contact with individuals.
8. Shoot whiskey before you begin. But not too much.
9. Remember when you were five and you stood at your kitchen stove pretending to be the chef on a cooking show - you are instructing a group of viewers. You know more than they know. You have secrets to cooking success.
10. Project.

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