Wednesday, December 16, 2009

heart words.

If you know me, you know that I am a girl who is brimming with words. And yet, at this moment in time, my words sit inside of me, unformed. My words dwell in silence, in my heart, in the realm of pure feeling. And when time has passed and they begin to take shape, I know that my words will tumble and spill and rage forth from my heart and mouth and fingertips.

Monday, December 7, 2009


Eating a bowl of cereal and drinking coffee in the kitchen. No lights are on, and bright gray is streaming in through the window. Today is cloudy.

The thing that I am most trying to do at this moment is motivate myself. I did a 3-mile hike over hilly terrain on Thanksgiving weekend, but since then, I have not once tried to run. Can I train for a half marathon in 11 weeks time, which is what I’ve got if I actually begin this week? I think that I can. Can I train for an event without a team of people as I have in the past? This, I am less certain of.

So I’m going to finish my bowl of cereal, finish my coffee, and make myself go to the Y to walk on the elliptical. Which is not a run. I know. But it is a start.

Whenever I am trying to motivate myself to do something I really want to do and also really don't want to do, this is the song that gets stuck in my head. Hope you feel as amused as I do.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

counting sheep.

My dog is snoring on the couch (where she is not supposed to be, but I am a poor enforcer of the rules). Her head is propped up on a pillow.

I am on the couch awake at 1:30 a.m. for some reason I cannot determine.

Eventually I will write a little about Thanksgiving camping (which, in a nutshell, was awesome).

Eventually I might write about the one moment when I thought of my mother and thought I might lose it and thought Thanksgiving would be ruined (I did not lose it, and Thanksgiving was not ruined).

I will finally, in a week or so, have more to say about this little teaching gig and the way it's been a total mind fuck. Here is the abbreviated version: Mon: Teaching today rocked! I love my students. I think I am a good teacher. Wed: Teaching sucked today. I hate my students. They hate me. I am a terrible teacher. Mon: Today I think I was more effective communicating the fundamentals of writing than I imagined was possible. Wed: I was completely ineffective and incomprehensible. Mon: My students are lame. Wed: My students are amazing. Mon: I envisioned myself hurling books at the entire class. Wed: I envisioned the entire class hurling books at me. Mon: I fantasized about walking out of the room just after tiny sharp daggers shot out of my eyes. Wed: Every single student seemed like the most wide-eyed, charming human being today.
An entire semester of teaching schizophrenia.

In a week or so, my house is going to look like a Christmas wonderland. I have decided.

In about 3 weeks I will get to go to Baton Rouge, and I am psyched beyond belief. I still don't know the dates we'll be there. I do know exactly what foods I'll eat, exactly which friends I'll see and precisely where I am going to go to give myself time to write.

Soon, I will immerse myself in writing fiction, reading fiction and training for the half-marathon.

Soon, I will have something to report about half-marathon training.

For now, I just need to get through my last classes. I just need to find a moment to clean up my disgusting house. And most immediately, I must find a way to fall asleep.

My eyes are so sleepy; but my mind is so restless and awake.

Today, I was grateful for the cold weather and rain. They made me feel happy.

Please, please, let me fall asleep. Please let me fall asleep remembering how happy I felt walking through the rain.