loss, loss, loss.

lost a friend. and it is so hard to process. and so sad and infuriating and incomprehensible. on too many levels, incomprehensible and infuriating.

and later I will write about her. I will celebrate her. for now, only this. a woman who embraced the mess and was not afraid to talk about it and be in it and share her mess with you. and it wasn't really a choice. it was who and how she was. and a woman who loved her friends and loved more than anything for all of her friends to be in one place at one time. and a woman who we all worried over and worried and worried. and in the last 5 years, we all thought, finally, this person is going to be okay. is okay. I loved her laugh. to hear her laughter. and she laughed easily and freely. and if she caught you on the phone, you better look out because it was going to be an hour at least, and more likely two. she could exhaust you. but she loved you. to talk to you and to love you and for you to love her.

and how, when we thought, she is finally okay, we all thought so. how now, could it be that she went out in rage and infinite pain and self destruction. and how now, is it, that she didn't call all her millions of friends and force us to talk for two hours until she was in the clear. and what the hell was she trying to say to do this as she did?

incomprehensibly sad and infuriating. and I'm trying to go to sleep without tears, but with the sound of m.'s laughter in my head.