Wednesday, August 20, 2008

documenting change: fifteen.

things i loose sleep over.

I’ve been experiencing insomnia lately. It feels as if there are a lot of moving parts at play, and I have little control over them; I know this is causing me anxiety.

I cannot control when our house will sell, or when we’ll get another offer, and if that offer will be anywhere in the range we hope for. But I visualize at night. I visualize a SOLD sign in our front yard. I visualize the kind of people who will purchase our house. I visualize the calendar dates during which I hope to wrap up the sale. I say prayers about selling the house, even though I know that there are more important things in the world to pray about.

I cannot control when c. will find a job, if the next firm he works for will treat him better than the last, if his salary will be adequate. But again, I visualize. I envision him in the kind of work environment I think he would love and thrive in.

Life is both too short and too long to dwell on negatives and the lack of potential, lack of likelihood, lack of possibility. Life is too short and too long to not believe that some greater being is watching over me, to not believe my life is guided and protected. It is too short and too long to not believe that miracles are an ever present possibility.

I am an optimist. So when my eyes snap open at 3 a.m., and I am wide-awake, I choose to fixate on the vast, exciting and wonderful possibilities ahead. In those dark hours when the world sleeps and my mind buzzes, life looks really good.

SONG: Dreamaniacs, Bettie Serveert

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