grief

So. I feel like I’ve been neglecting my treerockcloud page.

Truthfully, I am still overwhelmed by a lot of emotion over marcie. She died exactly one year, one month and two days after my mom died. I’m sure somewhere in my psyche, my emotions over marcie are compounded by that. One day I had the instinct to email all of my friends and tell them that if they ever committed suicide I would kill them. But it didn’t make much sense.

I remembered something last night. We actually did cross paths in high school. It was right before we were graduating. We had to do a practice run-through for the graduation ceremony in which we lined up alphabetically outside the school, marched into the auditorium like a herd of sheep, then onto the stage where we were seated. I was standing between this guy p.s., who was a friend. I was glad we were next to each other because he was incredibly funny. On the other side of me was marcie. Standing in line during rehearsal, I asked if either of them new the school alma mater (the entire senior class was instructed to learn it for the big day). None of us new it, and we agreed we’d try to learn it. Of course, we did not learn it (other things are more prevalent on your mind when you're graduating high school).

We three sat in the 2nd to last row on the stage. I remember being so happy to be in between these two people. The ceremony was long, and no one wanted to end up next to a dud for two hours. We cut up, invented words to the alma mater while it was being recited, and generally, had a pretty good time. I remember thinking, “god, she is funny. I wish I’d known her better all these years.” I was not, as I had been in 7th grade, afraid of her. This memory flashed back to me last night, and I thought, how could I have forgotten that? It made me irrationally angry at myself.

I’ve been working to get my head screwed on straight. Last night I talked to e. for a good two hours, and it was the best time I’ve had talking to a friend in a long time. Marcie dying, which at moments feels completely unreal, has had the affect on me of wanting to make sure I have every important conversation with every friend I have. There were times marcie and I were really angry at each other. I had thought, recently, that we were going to get around to talking about some of those things. Resolving things that, in our hearts, we were over, but simply needed closure. I keep combing through my memory, wondering which of my friends do I need to sort some things out with, find closure about our past hurts? How do we have those conversations?

So. That’s part of where my head is at the moment.