Saturday, November 14, 2009

november list.

1. Songs that make me think of my mother and make me cry involuntarily whenever I hear them.
"City of New Orleans," Willie Nelson
"Country Roads," John Denver
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause," Bobby Helms (I know that is weird. But memory is a strange beast. Luckily, this song doesn't get much air time, and when it does, it's Bruce Springsteen's version.)

2. Song that reminds me of my mother and makes me laugh involuntarily whenever I hear it.
"What I Am," Edie Brickell (It's not a terribly interesting story, but it's an interesting quirk.)

3. My sleep is full of strange dreams lately.
I cannot remember them, except in broad painterly strokes. I wake up and the whole picture is never clear.

4. C.'s birthday is next week.
Boy, are we getting old. Maybe not old exactly, but entering the threshold of middle age? We used to be nothing but young. How did this happen? When did this happen?

5. Thanksgiving made me cry on the drive to school last week.
For my entire life, this has been my favorite holiday. Lately, my whole body fills up with tension and chills and general ickiness when I think about Thanksgiving. What I figured out in the car is that, at least for this period of my life, Thanksgiving will remind me of a time when the ground seemed to crack open beneath me. One day, when I can focus on all of the positive changes that such shifts in the earth brought, maybe I will like Thanksgiving again. For now, it only makes me feel the same kind of sad fear that I felt a few years back.

6. I am not nearly as teary a person as this entry makes it seem.

7. Last night, I had one of the worst eating fests I've had in a year. Maybe even longer.
I ate almost an entire cheap frozen pizza. I commanded myself to STOP when there were only 2 slices remaining. But then I ate 1 and 1/2 pieces of pecan pie. I had a glass of wine. I felt completely disgusting.

8. I ate like a teenager because I was also watching bad TV and, most significantly, procrastinating what I needed to be doing. Grading essays.

9. Even though I had crappy food and crappy TV night, I took the dogs on a 1 and 1/2 mile walk during the day.
I have never walked them along the Town Lake trail, and they looked ecstatic the whole time, tongues hanging out, stupid grins on their faces. They have not had a walk like that in months. Neither have I.

10. Thanksgiving weekend, I am going to begin training for the half marathon.
I also think I binge ate yesterday because I was feeling like I needed to shovel it all in while I could. The nice thing about training is that after about 3 weeks, I stop craving anything sweet and bad. I crave vegetables and salty snacks and a lot of water. I am also looking forward to having a little muscle definition in my legs and arms again.

11. Today, I am going to shower and dress and go look at some art. And then. I will grade essays.
The goal for today: finish 10 essays in no more than 5 hours. 4 hours would be even better. I think I can. I think I can. I am not saying that with much conviction, by the way.

12. General insight of the month: I am not so thrilled about turning 35.
I remember friends freaking out about 25. And then about 30. I have never been anything except excited about a birthday. I guess freaking out about a birthday had to catch up to me at some point. Freak-out-ness, welcome to my life. And F U.

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