I woke up with a jolt, saying this to myself: I thought my life would be more exciting.
And that is what I mourn. The picture that was exciting and daring and in which I did a lot of living all by my self.
When I asked c. "Do you want kids," he answered timidly, "I think so." He turned the same question on me, and I had the same wavy-sounding response. And then we talked it through. The thing is, when I THINK about it, I never know exactly, and I end up answering from a place that holds a lot of fear and anxiety. But when I just stop thinking and close my eyes and imagine what my life LOOKS like, I see a kid.
So I've got to go with that picture, because that is what FEELS right and good. And seeing that picture makes me pretty happy. Thinking about it makes me scared and anxious, but seeing it - happy.